What will guarantee a happy marriage? Or friendship? Or smooth family? Life is dynamic, we grow and change, there is free will. However, a recent study is suggests there might be a key ingredient in the happiest of relationships.
Two rules for happy living:
- Be able to experience anything.
- Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.
Think about it. Hard to do, but if we could? And is there some magic that makes this possible?
One of you really wants to talk about a problem and the other one really doesn’t. Sound familiar?
Usually women have that “overwhelming desire to work things out immediately.” My client Sally used to say, “I love him so deeply and he’s such a good friend; I just want it not to hurt.” And then there is the male partner. Jim used to describe their tense arguments by saying “Sometimes I raise my voice and say things that are hurtful. I just want to cut if off and go away, to protect her from all that.”
She’s not able to experience not talking and he’s worried he’ll cause a bad experience if he talks.
Unlocking the mutual communication trap
It’s one thing to talk about why the dishes didn’t get done and another thing to talk about the deeper issues that might come up, like respect, recognition, or control.
If one partner withdraws from deeper types of conversation, it may trigger the other to turn up the intensity—pursuing the deeper conversation with more necessity. But that can make the withdrawer pull back even more. This sequence continues, with each individual ratcheting up their pursuit or withdrawal in response to the other. And just like that, you’ve found yourselves very far opposite each other on the communication cycle.
A genuine desire to “talk things out” and come to a resolution of deeper issues for the betterment of the relationship is certainly a good quality. It’s frustrating when something is bothering you but your husband, child, mother won’t talk about it. You know the issue must be fixed but it seems that you can’t even begin to address it; like the person is “running away” from the discussion on an emotional level; perhaps even a physical one.
On the other hand, being given time to consider the issue helps avoid a situation one person feels emotionally unprepared for—and even perhaps scared by. Some people are more skilled and practiced at resolving emotional conflicts, and therefore less easily emotionally flooded, which can be overwhelming.
The good news? When it comes to communication, it is better to say something rather than nothing.
What you say makes all the difference in the world.
Researchers from the University of Georgia set out to see whether improving these patterns of “demand” or “withdrawal” helped married partners get through times of financial stress; or was there another factor?
It turns out that those couples who express gratitude more often were less prone to the negative effects of poor communication, disagreement and conflict.
Couples expressed that gratitude serves as a buffer during arguments and lessens the likelihood of withdrawing from their partner. –Barton, Futris & Nielson from Personal Relationships (22) 2015.
Appreciate Everything, Expect Nothing
Expectation is the killer of appreciation—especially if you haven’t managed to express your expectations in words. “I’m sure hoping for a night at Simon and Seiferts for my birthday…” never asked is doomed. And so too is “I hope he remembers to take out the trash” or “she should know I like” or…
What we focus on grows. The man who puts attention on the trash not getting taken out, the dog not walked, that it is one minute and thirty seconds past the meetup for the hike… gets that.
But look over that marriage or your family and admire the simple fact that you have these people in your life, admire this group of people (no “buts”) and this alone creates happy and cheerful.
The critical complaining person asks for the house to be vacuumed or the lawn cut and nobody does anything for him. And if they do, it’s still dusty and took triple the normal time and dinner’s burnt. It will just go that way. It isn’t because of any emotion or mood, it is simply how he sees things, his reality. The postulate has no life in it but he gets it. This individual is unwilling to grant it its own life, or is afraid to.
The other person, well the house was perfect anyhow, but he looks around and his wife moves the plant two inches to the right because it’s just, well, feng shui and that’s what continues throughout their relationship, with their friends, life.
Gratitude: a communication of appreciation.
Engaging in demanding or critical communication leads to withdrawal and avoidance. Expressions of gratitude, on the other hand, tend to interrupt demanding communication.
If we focus on the good, on the appreciated aspects of our partners, our children, our friends… we grow those aspects. Interestingly, our expectations for more than we have may lessen.
With that exact thing we are grateful for firmly in mind, it’s often much easier to communicate. It is easy to be grateful when things are going well.
But is it OK to bring up past bad times when they look like they may repeat?
That depends, is your intention to be critical or constructive? If you survived it before, you can do it again. If your intent is constructive you can find a way to be thankful for those growth opportunities. Inserting some gratitude may make it safe and avoid withdrawal. And that will help you talk about ways to not make the same mistakes again—an important discussion.
Count Your Blessings
It can be too easy to forget about the good things we have in our lives.
Counteract this mindset by answering these questions:
“What have I received from my spouse/child/mother/friend/employer?”
“What have I given to my spouse/child/mother/friend/employer?”
“What troubles and difficulty have I caused my spouse/child/mother/friend/employer?”
Especially the last two as those tell you how you can create your relationship environment. Make a choice to grow in the direction of gratitude and giving.
Patience
In any relationship, it is a balance between the individual and the group. Patience is a virtue and beautiful quality that we could all practice and improve.
Give your partner space to calm down, with an agreed-on time to return to the topic. Teach a child a skill or take the time to really listen and understand your partner’s viewpoint. Cultivate patience.
We can only give what we have. As we develop patience in ourselves, we are more able to bring it into our relationships.
Ask
Never assume things; find out. It is never alright to assume what our partner is thinking or feeling. Ask.
It is even worse to act on something we assume. Sometimes, we go so far as to assume we know how they want to be treated or what they are thinking or why they did it and/or what’s best for them. Knock it off! You are creating your own problems when you do this.
One of the best things we could ever do in a relationship, especially when in it for the long haul, is to ask questions. It does take courage to ask and I’m always amazed at how many people don’t. They don’t know what makes their child happy, and don’t listen when their child tells them. They’ve never learned their wife always wanted to climb Denali and the manicures were fun but she’d prefer something else. She didn’t know he always wanted to coach Little League. Ask.
What makes them happy? How do they like to be treated? Then do that.
The happiest couples and closest friends know each other. They know how to love, how to care, and how to communicate. Asking questions and listening builds trust and reliability.
We’re not meant to spend our lives in conflict or alone. Practice the two rules for happy living as much as you can each day, and practice finding gratitude—and saying it.
