Saboteur One who engages in sabotage, usually concealing their identity.
Sabotage those acts of subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction that keep us (or the enemy) playing small.
Change comes with a chain reaction…
Have you noticed that as soon as you decide to make a big change, especially one that looks really good, a whole bunch of “voices” give you very long lists of why it won’t work, cost too much…
It’s not you. If your decision aligns with your goals, these opinions and voices make no sense, right?
Sometimes these are unhelpful friends. We do need a good support network—at least one close person who truly understands, encourages, and perhaps even gets us through the walls we put up. I met my “Mr. Right” (my husband Greg) and after 3 months we decided to get married. I knew my true friends; none of them reminded me of past failures or “isn’t it too soon to know?” It was all “tell about him!”
But what about the walls, rocks, boulders, uncrossable chasms and other barriers we put up ourselves? I could just as easily lay awake at night in the throes of “What have I done?”
We do this to ourselves all the time. Our internal saboteur tells us why we really won’t be able to achieve our goal, make money, find true love, live our dream… or all the other things that are wrong or scary about a change decision we just made.
Before we even have a chance to take the first step, our inner voices start telling us why we really must stick to an old way. New, untried as yet, is too threatening to their very existence.
Those rocks, boulders, uncrossable chasms and walls have a mind of their own
Your personal saboteur holds you back from your dreams by blocking you from doing what you need to do to be at your highest potential and abilities.
You’ve just created your goal—it is your very own creation. You’ve agreed to the plan and found an expert to help guide you. And here’s where the saboteur starts getting really loud, starts listing a whole bunch of ways to stay “safe.” And these are very misdirected.
These rocks, boulders, chasms and walls don’t want to be taken down… so they start recruiting your agreement; they position themselves as helping you defend yourself against some hidden enemy.
Everyone else gets to have ice-cream…
Sure looks good…
Just one won’t hurt…
It’s a birthday, game day, they won, they lost and need comfort food…
and then:
I can’t keep my appointment with my (accountability coach, doctor, nutritionist, best friend…) because I have to admit to the ice-cream… I’m too afraid to disappoint them…
which becomes insidious and hidden as other things to do instead:
My eighth cousin twice removed, (or my poodle) needs her nails done at the same time and I’m the only one who can drive… again…
and then:
There’s something about ____ (insert professional’s name or technique) I’m just not quite sure…
Well, it really wasn’t working anyway…
I really didn’t have the time / costs too much / something came up…
and then:
Phew! So glad the stress is off!! I’m going out for ice-cream!!!
and then:
Sure wish I could lose this weight.
I read something about ____ (insert new approach) on the internet. Maybe I’ll try that.
You almost have to ask: who is the enemy?
My client whose name is private wants more than anything to lose weight. Except, if she does, she’ll have arrived at a goal that is, for her, an amazing challenge—she’ll be attractive. For her own personal and very private reasons, the attention she might get is unbelievably scary. Her saboteurs all agree: “attractive is a very private and scary place; just stay fat.” Her intentions get squashed.
Another client, a very outgoing gal, fears losing weight because people will notice. Then they’ll encourage her, then she’ll feel like the slightest slip-up is letting them down; easier not to start because what if it fails? And that would be unbelievably disgraceful for such an otherwise successful and competent person. Her saboteurs remind her “every time you try this, you fail…” or “people won’t take you seriously…” Her intentions can’t compete.
But these are incredibly beautiful goals!
Another client has created the dream of having a successful natural health practice. And her voices tell her “she doesn’t know enough” or “it isn’t covered by insurance, who will pay?” So each new shiny practice management book or idea that comes along gets her attention for a week. Of course it takes more than that to be successful, but then her saboteur kicks in. Doing other things looks better, walk *really slowly* doing other things, answer Facebook or email… for hours…, even cleaning. Time runs out for creating her practice…
We have a built-in saboteur—and sadly enough, sometimes we attract opinions that seem to strengthen it when we’re trying to follow a great path.
This is all by design. Your saboteur resists opportunities, often through doubt, fear, and procrastination. It voices every possible fear around consequences and results of taking responsibilities for your creations. Of owning your own life and having it become exactly what you dream.
Getting the courage to become our own agents of change and transformation
Take a shift in perspective—reframe it
We’ve associated change with pain, failure, defeat, embarrasment…—so we avoid change because MAYBE SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
And then we stare at those walls, rocks and boulders… and they become all consuming, the chasm widens. They move from the background into the forefront of our thinking and consciousness. We turn up the volume and listen more carefully.
How many times did Nadia Comăneci have to fall, hurt, bruise or even injure herself before becoming the first Olympic athlete to score a perfect 10 in gymnastics (1976 summer Olympics in Montreal). What if she’d allowed those voices a bit more volume?
What if Austrian Toni Sailer listened to “the voices” instead of his coaches. would he have become the first to win gold in all of the available events at the1956 Olympic games? And what about France’s Jean-Claude Killy who stole all Gold medals in 1968 with the grace and beauty of such a gifted athlete. What if he’d listened to his voices over his coaches?
When this “voice in your head” says “I don’t ever want to feel (pain, failure, defeat, embarrasment…) again” ask it “In what way? Why? What really caused that?” you know, “What’s the real enemy.”
Or when we hear the justifications—“everyone else is doing it… It’ll just be once… I’m not good enough” just know these are your saboteurs not you—all justifications are lies.
The very fact these voices are speaking tells you this is a personally delicate possibly vulnerable place.
You may or may not have the tools to embrace the actual enemy, but at least recognize the saboteurs for what they are: Those “you shouldn’t, won’t be able to…” voices ARE the enemy.
They are trying to be your friend with the knife held behind their back. And their presence simply means that more than anything this change you are looking at making is something to embrace and explore at a deeper level.
Ask this one question: “Why is this happening for me?”
(not “to me” that gets you stuck in victim, FOR me)
Your freedom depends on staying with what you know is a good decision. So how do you stop the voices? Well, you don’t. You refocus them. Update the recordings: your thoughts and beliefs.
The first step is take a look at that stuck place, that wall—whatever is getting in your way.
We all have different “voices.” From “follow the rules, and don’t act up” to “I’m not cut out for this” to “it’s a weekend and I’ve worked hard all week.” These are all beliefs that keep you small.
Which ones do you hear?
Look at them. Envision the wall, boulder, chasm they represent. Really see the details of it how solid it is… how hard to move… how old, how long that’s been with you. Acknowledge all these truths.
Don’t ask what the voices mean, they’re all illogical so looking for meaning just gives them power. Just become aware of them and see them for what they are.
Now admire the wall. Thank it for protecting you and for doing its job…
Take some time to go through all the reasons you “can’t” or “shouldn’t.”
Ask yourself, “is this true now?” If you feel the answer is yes, ask: “does this get me to my goal or not?”
When “the wall” dishes out negative think and justifications ask it “In what way? Why? What really caused that in the past?”
Then ask yourself (not your wall) does achieving my goal get helped or hindered by what this voice is telling me to do?”
When you are ready, put a window in that wall and look through it, what happens?
Look beyond that wall and outside. Introduce your wall to your dreams, to what you really want. Go beyond the obvious and dream big. What gets your heart excited and simultaneously scares the crap out of you? Go to that place that is both exciting and scary. That is the place your decision is sending you without your permission, yes? Do it consciously and purposefully.
Connect the decision you just made that truly will benefit you to this think big dream. It is the next step.
If your voices keep arguing their point, continue to admire them and thank them and ask: “What really caused that (pain, discomfort…)?” and ask again “does this help me achieve my goal?”
Find support in your faith, friends, professional counsel.
Surround yourself with people who have similar goals or whose job it is to support you in your goals. If your goal is overcoming shyness and you love gardening, join a local group that shares ideas—actually attend 8-). If your goal is better health, find local resources. Here in Anchorage, the Alaska Health Improvement Center offers FREE talks and even my live classes. Attend these or ones like them to connect up with thinking that supports you.
Following your heart.
When you feel yourself procrastinating or making a choice that goes against your deepest desires you have a choice: fight or flight. You can succumb, or you can ride the wave all the way through by having an immediate conversation with your inner saboteur. Give it full permission to speak. Then decide if you want to follow it or if there’s some other option you prefer to take. Be sure to thank your saboteur.
Become your own brilliant guide for staying true to your dream. The process becomes faster and easier each time. You’ll find yourself in flow far more often.
It is an exciting relationship to have in balance. If I can ever do anything to help you channel and refocus, please don’t hesitate to ask. I want you winning and playing big!
Here’s to you!
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